Best Ron Swanson Quotes – Parks and Rec

Ron Swanson is a fictional character from the NBC television program Parks and Recreation. The character is portrayed by actor Nick Offerman.

Ron Swanson is the director of the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department. In this role, Swanson does his best not to interact with the public or take on new city projects. His colleague Leslie Knope, is his polar opposite, and much of the show plays on the interaction between these two characters.

Ron Swanson is an oft-quoted character because of his signature deadpan delivery and masculine persona. Here is a listing of the best Ron Swanson quotes. They range from government to breakfast, from motivation to meat.

Best Ron Swanson Quotes

• Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.

• Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

• I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

• There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

• Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.

• Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

Ron Swanson Government Quotes

• Am I interrupting anything important? Impossible. I work for the government.

• The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

• There is only one bad word: taxes.

• Child labor laws are ruining this country.

• When I walked in this morning and saw that the flag was half-mast, I thought ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!

• I think that all government is a waster of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely by for profit corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model.

• My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke.

• I like Tom. He doesn’t do a lot of work around here. He shows zero imitative. He’s not a team player. He’s never wanted to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I’m looking for in a government employee.

Ron Swanson America Quotes

• The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.

• History began July 4th, 1776. Anything before that was a mistake.

• Capitalism is the only way … It makes America great, England OK and France terrible.

• America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.

Ron Swanson Quotes on Food

• I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

• There’s only on thin I hate more than lying. Skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk.

• When I eat, it is the food that is scared.

• You had me at “meat tornado.”

• Ron, would you like a salad? Since I am not a rabbit, no I do not.

• Dear frozen yogurt. You are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.

• I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16 oz T-bone and a 24 oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.

• Turkey can never beat cow.

• Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

• Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.

• You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

Ron Swanson Motivation Quotes

• Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

• There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.

• I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.

Ron Swanson Animal Quotes

• Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.

• Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga; except I still get to kill something.

Ron Swanson Relationship Quotes

• When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

• The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

• It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

• Friends: one to three is sufficient.